the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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