I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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