Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
