clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
