The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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