i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
