I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
