I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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