I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
