I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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