Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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