I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
