Will you blow on my dice?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
