i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
