I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
