Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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