I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
