she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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