If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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