yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize