It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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