I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
