come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
