lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
