OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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