Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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