I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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