You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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