Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
