he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
