Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
