my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize