Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
