a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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