Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Don't make out with my wife yet
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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