My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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