dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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