I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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