24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize