My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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