I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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