last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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