My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize