Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize