i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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