Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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