Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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