I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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