just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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