My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
