She is in my trunk
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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