We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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