Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
