Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
