i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
