He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
