Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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