we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
