I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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