I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
