im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
