Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You ruined the universe
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
