My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
