Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
