Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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