Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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